forgive.

I know the major Jewish time period for forgiveness is over, but I’m infamous for my delayed reaction to everything in life, so we’re just going to go with it. I woke up this morning having written an open letter to someone I was trying to forgive. It was something that I was ready to get out there on my blog. I almost needed to. Maybe because I was hoping said person would read it, or maybe because I kind of wanted a bunch of mistaken people apologizing to me for something they didn’t do because, sometimes I like to create drama (did I just say that out loud?) But before I posted anything, I showed it to someone I respect a lot; and that person pointed out how it could potentially embarrass the one I was trying to forgive on the off chance that they, or someone who knows them, figures out who I’m talking about. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a bonafide writer, but I do tend to get a little too in my head about things, as writers are inclined to do. So much so, that, at times, I can’t see things from the other person’s point of view; something I usually pride myself on.

It has recently come to my attention that many people who have read my blog have tracked down those I am closest to to ask them what’s wrong with me, referencing my blog and the shameless openness with which I express myself. First of all, I understand this reaction. Nobody wants to say, “Hey, girl! You crazy.” So truly, I’m not blaming these people. But my friends and family can’t possibly speak for me; and honestly, they shouldn’t have to. From now on, please come to me first. I promise, I don’t bite. I’ve heard the gamut of reactions to my blog, from complete horror to encouraging admiration. I can handle whatever it is you have to say to me, so please, don’t involve my loved ones. They didn’t ask for this. I guess this is a super (like SUPER) small scale version of what celebrities have to deal with on a daily basis. It’s sad that my decision to share my truth with the world affects those around me. I guess that’s part of the risk, and why many don’t take it.

A friend of mine is an incredible writer and I’ve been trying to get her to write a blog or book or anything at all with her talent, and her response was that she didn’t think she could be as open as I am on my blog. I literally wanted to scream. No one has the right to tell me or anyone else what they can or should release to the world about themselves (minus some very specific legal situations). There are so many writers out there who have mastered the art of saying it all while not giving away a thing. As you might have guessed, I cannot count myself among those people. All I want her, and anyone with dreams, for that matter, to know, is that YOU are what people want. The real authentic YOU. Whatever you want to share or don’t want to share is up to you. 

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve thought of quitting this blog more than once, because of the people it has hurt in one way or another. And if you have been hurt by my words, please accept this as my formal apology (though, I’d appreciate it if you told me directly so I can talk with you personally). But I think, for now, that I’m still in the trial and error phase. So please forgive me as I test the waters and learn. I’m going to make mistakes, and there’s no way I can live my life without accidentally hurting others. That’s just how it is. But what I can do, is take others’ feelings into account more than I have been; because I would expect the same courtesy extended to me if the situation were flipped.

I guess this week’s post was a bit of a rant, but it kind of reflects how I’m feeling about life right now. Whenever my posts are super well organized, with a very clear train of thought, you’ll know I’m in a good place. For now, I’m feeling…unsettled…to say the least. Laundry from the holidays still overtaking my field of vision, and an incredibly strong desire to move into my unfinished home will do that to you.

On a separate (and kind of related) note, I acknowledge that I don’t have the same taste in music as most of you. But for those of you who might be interested in the same sounds, I think I’m going to start including my moods via music links in some of my blog posts. This week’s song on repeat is called Outrunning Karma by Alec Benjamin, and after listening to it over 100 times, I’m still anxious to listen to it 100 more. I definitely have a certain vibe I go for in a song, but what makes me fall in love is when I can’t predict the next note the singer’s going to hit. That unexpected note is insanely thrilling. And this song perfectly depicts how it’s done. Karma’s also a concept I tend to think about a lot, so the lyrics and the notes all came together to form perfection. Enjoy 🙂

 

Until next time,

Me

 

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